Helpful resources for my paranoid friends in the Occupied Territories of America
In order to criticize church leaders on YouTube successfully there are a few credentials you need to acquire first.
1. You must be a disgruntled or former church member.
2. You must take a class in Biblical Greek (any of the Wednesday night small group meetings at your local house of worship will do).
3. You must have listened to at least a dozen Chuck Missler cassette tapes (no, they cannot be CD’s or MP3’s).
4. Though not required, it is very helpful if you are a former worship leader at any church known for leading with three or more Hillsong-franchise worship songs on any given Sunday.
With credentials firmly in-hand, you are now properly positioned to launch into your calling to rail against church leaders anywhere in the world right from your YouTube channel. Let’s describe your prime target.
• You should refer to the target as "Satan’s Messenger". Many tests have been conducted using similar monikers (like “False Prophet” or “Backslidden Beaurocrat”) but none have been proven to magnify urgency like Satan’s Messenger.
• You must make Satan’s Messenger appear ultra successful (if he isn’t already actually successful) by rattling off credentials, book sales and church attendance numbers. Lead with these stats. Nobody will care about Pastor Chet’s sorcery addiction if Babbling Brook Baptist Church has a congregation of 14.
• Play a clip of a sermon. Just one sentence works best.
• Tie every word Satan’s Messenger says into something you strongly suspect he read in either The Secret or The Celestine Prophecy. If you don’t find enough evidence, tie them into something you read in The Shack.
• Money, money, money. If you can prove Satan’s Messenger has some you may proceed to step six.
• Either question the “Christianness” of his message or make it obvious that Satan’s Messenger isn’t (and probably never was) saved.
• Finally, demonstrate your expertise on leaders like Satan’s Messenger by butchering a few Greek words in the context of an English scripture verse. Then remind your viewers that God only speaks Koine.
That's essentially it!
Don’t worry, Master Critic, your new calling has a steep learning curve but you will learn so much along the way. Soon, you’ll find yourself climbing the ranks of the YouTube Church Critique Council. Your life of bile and bitterness is waiting for you just around the corner.
Now, get out there, live loud and give God the glory!